i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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