i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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