i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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