Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
