Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
