Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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