Pants 0. Shit 1.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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