i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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