i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
