You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
