She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
