My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
