I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
