Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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