I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
two words...techno handjob
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
