I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
