you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize