shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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