I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
