you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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