I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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