i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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