hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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