Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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