dude i'm inner monologue high
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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