im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
