hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
