I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
