you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
