my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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