Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize