Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
