WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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