i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
