You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
