Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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