If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
