here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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