why im i the only drunk person in the library?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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