god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
