I cut my penus on the lid.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
