Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
3pm strippers are depressing
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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