Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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