Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I looked at my own cervix.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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