found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
