and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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