I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
