I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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