Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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