you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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