Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
