Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
