if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
