i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
