Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
