How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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